May 25 2:47AM: A new day dawns

After procrastinating for such a long time I guess I better start some form of a diary. Thought of doing it the traditional pen and paper way but then reckoned typing it out would be alot faster and better.

Why do I want to start this blog? It seems that my life is getting rather screwy and messy. I need somewhere to crystallize my thoughts. Be clearer about my life. Focus. Prioritise.

And also, I would like to write out my feelings for Cheryl... Was thinking of writing my thoughts out so that she can have a glimpse of the real me inside. Probably I'll give this to her in a hard copy form when she leaves for Europe and ask her to read it and make a decision about our future relationship status. I want her to know the true me before and thing moves on. She's so precious to me... I want this to work out so bad and am so afraid of losing it and ending the wrong way. I'm going to have to take a gamble here. Better to show her the demons of my life now and have a quick break if she doesn't accept me then to have things linger. A quick death is much better than a slow lingering leprosy.

Hmmm.... inspect what i just written, it appears that the main reason(gauging from the weightage of the numerical value of my words) I'm writing this is mostly for her. Interesting... Initially I thought my blog(if I ever get around to writing one) would mostly be about wanking off and fantasizing. Ahahah, I guess love brings out the best in me.(just as hate brings out the worst)

Before I end off, here's just a quick summary of my life as I see from my perspective currently. I'm a 22 year old chinese guy who can hardly speak chinese to save his life. Somehow there's someone up there looking over me because I've made it through the A levels(on the 3rd attempt), got into university and somehow managed to get into the Dean's List.(yay!) I'm not intelligent, neither am I hardworking. I go for the shortest and easiest route to academic success.

I believe I've got lots of demons within me and I have to work them out. For example, right now I have a wanking problem. Getting addicted to wanking and it's making me extremely horny and lustful. I also have to be more focused and disciplined. However, just as I have the demons I have my heroes and angels to call upon too. I believe I do have my merits and my demerits. I just have to concentrate on working the demerits out starting from the way I think. After all, thoughts translate into actions and actions if consistent enough becomes habit and then one's personality is changed through a feedback loop between actions and thoughts. Take wanking for example. It started out with thoughts of lust, that became an action of masturbation to relieve one's self, eventually it that series of actions became a habit and it's now part of my personality because of our actions follow our thoughts(I think of something, I do it), just as our thoughts follow our action(When I do something, the action becomes justified and we accept it in our behaviour). It's all very confusing right now, probably because I haven't given it much thought yet. Probably got to work out the kinks and glitches in this new theory of mine.

Oh well... I'm doing this for us Cheryl. You may not read this in the end but I believe it'll definitely help me understand myself and in turn help us. I think I'm in love...(or at least infatuated) I hope it's for real this time.