Another Picture of Huiwen! 

Huiwen 

The morning after...

Well, it's the morning, I mean the afternoon after that incident with Cheryl telling me we are incompatible. The sad thing is, she's right. Still can't stop thinking of what a waste it is. But I guess it's for the best. It's so hard to let go but I guess this time I should. It's for the best for us. Sigh...

On a nicer note, I think I stand a pretty good chance with Huiwen. AHAhahahh, I'll try to upload a photo of her here. How do I know I stand a chance with her? She laughs at my jokes.ahahahah, well that could mean she's very polite too. Anyway, I'm just trying to make myself feel better. I doubt anything will happen. But I'll never know!

On a sillier note, Callixta thinks that I'm love sick over her. Hahah, everytime I go online, she immediately changes to away mode. Just this afternoon, I came on as "Fell in love fast, Falling Hard" Hahah, she immediately changed to Away mode on MSN. Silly girl. OH well, I'll let her imagine that I'm her stalker and all that. Seems to satisfy her ego in some perverse way.

Time to move on Charlesy! Focus! Prioritise!

Wallowing in Sorrow

It's funny, I just had the time of my life when the facilitators met up. It was really fun and all that. Great seeing Huiwen, Victor, Anqi, Mei Zhi and Edward. After that I took a bus down to see Cheryl in my singlet. Hahah, had some talk with her til dinner. Then we started talking about stuff....

Sigh... that's when the trouble begun. Actually this problem has always been there. We've never really clicked. We've always admired and respected one another's personality and intelligence. But I could never make her guffaw or laugh! Most of my attempts got a chuckle or something meagre. We could never really connect. Well, during dinner she told me she was thinking of something I said. "Gaps In Our Converstation". Anyway, yada yada yada, she feels that we are incompatible. I don't blame her, it's always been like that with us. Just that I never realised how maligant the problem was. Well... It's so sad. It's hard falling in love with Cheryl, being liked back by Cheryl, sharing things with Cheryl and finally losing her. It's sad to be true and be fooled by feelings....

Lihong, Wansin and How were very kind and nice to me, when i was online. Wansin tried to cheer me up while How gave advise and Lihong critised my motivations. Hahah, what friends.

I feel like laughing while I cry.

Lilian, sigh... 

Aftermath

Well, the bet's over. And although I won, I didn't get any thing out of it. Callixta messaged me on saturday for a date. Damn! Should have worn my glasses(Coz without my glasses my eyes look really tiny) and should have dressed differently(bad dress sense CHARLES!). Arghhzz... so many should haves. I also should have behaved myself better by remaining alot more aloof and not so physically close to her. I guess I "scared" her away. Sigh... Hmm.. I'll try to upload a picture of her on this blog.

Anyway it seems that she's quite disappointed. Oh well, win some, lose some. On another note, this gal from friendster called Eunice messaged me and asked if we could be friends. I'm beginning to see a cycle here... Cheryl seems to be getting colder and colder with time. I got an sms from her going "I'll be going to Good Shepherd, you MAY join me if you wish". What the HELL! Oh man.... Looks like I'm scoring zeros in my love life these days. More like scoring negatives! Lilian(I'll try to upload her pic too) stopped any messages too when I asked if she was interested in going out. Oh well...

Seems like this week is really horrid. Well, I still got Ivy... Hmm, I'm quite confused in life now. Got to work out my priorities and FOCUS. Focus, Charles.

On academic matters,(you guys thought my life is all about wanking and gals don't you?) I'm so glad that my TWC(Technology and World Change) module's presentation is over. All that's left are an examination and a written report. What a crummy time I'm having now...

A Wager!

This is pure torture! What have I done? Realising that I've been wanking too much, I've made a wager with Callixta. Because I'm getting addicted to wanking, I better exercise some control over myself.

Here's the bet:
3 days abstaining from any wanking. From Monday til Wednesday mid-night.
If I fail the wager, I'll have to treat her to a movie.

So the idea was to control my lust with this bet. However somehow the bet included the clause that: If I win the wager, I'll GET HER TO WANK WITH ME! Hmm... somehow it seems to defeat the purpose of trying to be less lustful. In fact, all it seems to do it to transfer my ASEXUAL lifestyle to a SEXUAL one. Well, at least I spend less time wanking these days.

But it's been pure torture! It's tuesday and I'm dying of deprivation. Been in "cold turkey" mode the whole day. All my thoughts are about sex, sex and more sex!

I don't know if i should talk to Cheryl about such demons I have. Should I? Or later? Sooner or later she'll will have to know. I have a feeling she's not the horny type that Callixta is. Sigh... I'm quite determined not to have any physical intimacy with Cheryl because it'll cloud how I feel about her. But then again, to totally deny myself of my desires and needs. Am I repressing my needs too much? Is that healthy in a relationship then? Maybe I'm thinking too much. This coming sunday, I'll ask Cheryl what does she think about sex. Just a general question to kick things off.

One thing I'm worried about being with Cheryl is that although she's the gal of my dreams, but it seems that unless we are talking about our relationship or about success in life, we don't seem to have much else to talk about. I'm a bit worried about that. Are we truly compatible? Hmm... Another thing to talk to her about...

Mr. Charlesy 

May 25 2:47AM: A new day dawns

After procrastinating for such a long time I guess I better start some form of a diary. Thought of doing it the traditional pen and paper way but then reckoned typing it out would be alot faster and better.

Why do I want to start this blog? It seems that my life is getting rather screwy and messy. I need somewhere to crystallize my thoughts. Be clearer about my life. Focus. Prioritise.

And also, I would like to write out my feelings for Cheryl... Was thinking of writing my thoughts out so that she can have a glimpse of the real me inside. Probably I'll give this to her in a hard copy form when she leaves for Europe and ask her to read it and make a decision about our future relationship status. I want her to know the true me before and thing moves on. She's so precious to me... I want this to work out so bad and am so afraid of losing it and ending the wrong way. I'm going to have to take a gamble here. Better to show her the demons of my life now and have a quick break if she doesn't accept me then to have things linger. A quick death is much better than a slow lingering leprosy.

Hmmm.... inspect what i just written, it appears that the main reason(gauging from the weightage of the numerical value of my words) I'm writing this is mostly for her. Interesting... Initially I thought my blog(if I ever get around to writing one) would mostly be about wanking off and fantasizing. Ahahah, I guess love brings out the best in me.(just as hate brings out the worst)

Before I end off, here's just a quick summary of my life as I see from my perspective currently. I'm a 22 year old chinese guy who can hardly speak chinese to save his life. Somehow there's someone up there looking over me because I've made it through the A levels(on the 3rd attempt), got into university and somehow managed to get into the Dean's List.(yay!) I'm not intelligent, neither am I hardworking. I go for the shortest and easiest route to academic success.

I believe I've got lots of demons within me and I have to work them out. For example, right now I have a wanking problem. Getting addicted to wanking and it's making me extremely horny and lustful. I also have to be more focused and disciplined. However, just as I have the demons I have my heroes and angels to call upon too. I believe I do have my merits and my demerits. I just have to concentrate on working the demerits out starting from the way I think. After all, thoughts translate into actions and actions if consistent enough becomes habit and then one's personality is changed through a feedback loop between actions and thoughts. Take wanking for example. It started out with thoughts of lust, that became an action of masturbation to relieve one's self, eventually it that series of actions became a habit and it's now part of my personality because of our actions follow our thoughts(I think of something, I do it), just as our thoughts follow our action(When I do something, the action becomes justified and we accept it in our behaviour). It's all very confusing right now, probably because I haven't given it much thought yet. Probably got to work out the kinks and glitches in this new theory of mine.

Oh well... I'm doing this for us Cheryl. You may not read this in the end but I believe it'll definitely help me understand myself and in turn help us. I think I'm in love...(or at least infatuated) I hope it's for real this time.